i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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