the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
