why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
