Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
