It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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