Will you blow on my dice?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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