The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
