this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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