I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
