I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
