so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
