i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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