your parents love me but you hate me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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