Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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