I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
