it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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