my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
