I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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