just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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