Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
