the condom got lost in my hair
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
