It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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