Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
