I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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