if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
