First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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