i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
