i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
