I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
