hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She told me I should be a condom model.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
