I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
