Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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