The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
