My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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