You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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