I wanna passion pit in your ass
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
