The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
there is glitter all over my balls
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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