so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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