so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
