There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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