Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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