I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
