I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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