WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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