you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
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The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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