You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
