she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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