All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
