call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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