the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
