It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize