I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My Sexting was not on an AP level
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
