On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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