party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
