I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
