He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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