I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
