my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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