It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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